Skip to main content

A Heavy Burden


"Hey, how are you? Are you alright?"

No, I'm not. Actually I'm miserable. I'm neither fine nor am i peaceful.
İt's the first time for me to say that i'm not fine. It does not happen for the first time because I never felt sad and troubled before or something like that. It´s just that I'd never dare saying I'm not fine.
Even when I really felt bad. I could not talk to anybody.

Every time someone asked me how I am, I would say "Alhamdoulillah, I´m fine," with a bright smile on my face. I would smile even when I'm not feeling to do so. I would just smile, because I'm known for smiling and laughing all the time and not complaining about something.

But today I don't feel like pretending to be good. I don't feel like lying to myself. I also want to show my sadness and cry. I often cried, it is not something i never did. But I don't want to cry behind walls and closen doors anymore.

Something is burdening me and I don't know what it is.
It's weird. I often feel like I'm a burden to the people but I also feel like nothing would go well without me. I don't want to leave them, even tough I´m not good for anything.

Lately I often wanted to call one of my friends and talk with them about my burdens. But I never could do it. I always put my phone back without even giving it a try. I just would not know about what I should speak while my heart and soul would feel so heavy. And while I would not be able to breathe properly from overcrying. I just could not find any right word.

So I learned to leave everything to Allah, because he knows everything about me and he is also the only one who could understand what I want to tell, even without me needing to tell anything.
I never wanted to complain, because I know that everything is a test for us. and I also know really well that every hardship we are facing from time to time will fade away.

I don't know. I just have a heavy burden on my shoulders and I don't know what it is.
What burden could I have, please? I have so many things to be thankful for, so many things, which I could not even dare listing them all.

I will wait. I think, that's the best to do.
I will see what time will bring in schaa Allah.
Yes, I will do that.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Source Of Happiness..

I'm not the person I want to be.  I want to be a beautiful human, someone whose presence means peace, warmth, and harmony.  Instead, I'm only harming those I'd never want to.  I'm hurting myself and those around me. Life circles up every time.  As soon as I start to get a better person, everything turns to its usual self.  I'm exhausted from all these changes.  I started to appreciate my changing nature and positive sides but I still cannot manage the negative ones.  I'm of no use.  Yet the only thing I wanted is to be of use, to be of help.  But I'm the one who needs help, the one who cannot do anything right.  Being understood without me needing to explain is what I'm longing for. Every time I try to talk and explain why I am the way I am it only gets harder.  I'm different. I always tried to be normal but I usually failed to be so.  At the end of the day, I'm left there with thoughts and no answers.  I'm weak. I may...
Post a Comment
Read more

In Love with Love

One should be in love with love. Love can be so beautiful if it is true. It is such a fantastic feeling making you the most beautiful person. True love is felt through the hearts. True love can brighten your day, just like the morning sun. True love is like rain watering the lost flowers in the woods, in the garden,  or those on the windowsill of your neighbor. Love can save your heart from getting dry. You've got a chance to not let it die. Love is the most abstract feeling, yet it is the most realistic at the same time. Every life is built upon love for without it there would not be any life. Like a mother caring for her child, or the little boy helping the baby cat left out on the street. Love can be healing. No love ever brings sadness or hate into your life, if so it is not love. It then is nothing else than imagination or misinterpretation or even illness of perception. Love makes you sensitive and kinder than you already are. You do not hav...
Post a Comment
Read more

Find Yourself

Sometimes everything seems like a big lie.  Why is it this way?  Why not the other way?  Why is it important?  What does it have to do with me? We often have questions over questions and no answers or no one to answer our questions.  No one to lead us and no one to open the path for us. We feel lonely and confused, and mostly empty, not wanting to do anything, to finish something. Or we even do not want to begin something. We feel like a stranger to everyone. We are not sure if it is the truth that we see. We often do not know what to do. We tried everything to understand life and ourselves. But couldn't it just be that we used the wrong way in doing so? What if we have to change our way of finding answers? That could be the reason, right? So, I'm saying that we should search in our hearts. We just have to open our hearts to see the truth.  If we want to see more than what we only see through our eyes, we have to see with our hearts. But if w...
Post a Comment
Read more