Skip to main content

A Heavy Burden


"Hey, how are you? Are you alright?"

No, I'm not. Actually I'm miserable. I'm neither fine nor am i peaceful.
İt's the first time for me to say that i'm not fine. It does not happen for the first time because I never felt sad and troubled before or something like that. It´s just that I'd never dare saying I'm not fine.
Even when I really felt bad. I could not talk to anybody.

Every time someone asked me how I am, I would say "Alhamdoulillah, I´m fine," with a bright smile on my face. I would smile even when I'm not feeling to do so. I would just smile, because I'm known for smiling and laughing all the time and not complaining about something.

But today I don't feel like pretending to be good. I don't feel like lying to myself. I also want to show my sadness and cry. I often cried, it is not something i never did. But I don't want to cry behind walls and closen doors anymore.

Something is burdening me and I don't know what it is.
It's weird. I often feel like I'm a burden to the people but I also feel like nothing would go well without me. I don't want to leave them, even tough I´m not good for anything.

Lately I often wanted to call one of my friends and talk with them about my burdens. But I never could do it. I always put my phone back without even giving it a try. I just would not know about what I should speak while my heart and soul would feel so heavy. And while I would not be able to breathe properly from overcrying. I just could not find any right word.

So I learned to leave everything to Allah, because he knows everything about me and he is also the only one who could understand what I want to tell, even without me needing to tell anything.
I never wanted to complain, because I know that everything is a test for us. and I also know really well that every hardship we are facing from time to time will fade away.

I don't know. I just have a heavy burden on my shoulders and I don't know what it is.
What burden could I have, please? I have so many things to be thankful for, so many things, which I could not even dare listing them all.

I will wait. I think, that's the best to do.
I will see what time will bring in schaa Allah.
Yes, I will do that.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"The Truth Written Under The Unspoken Words"

/31.01.17/ "I don't know you and you don't know me.  But I want to know you.  Do you also want to know me?  Me, not my characteristics or behavior. I'm asking you if you want to know my inner Me,  my inner self, my thoughts and carings, my reasons for my feelings, and my feelings without any reasons.  Do you want to know my inner self which cannot be influenced by external influences?  You're the one I want to share everything with. I want to share everything precious in my life with you.  I want to talk to you, to explain myself and also not explain myself.  I want you to know everything about me without me needing to say a word.  Will you one day just understand what's written in my eyes?  Will you know the truth when I'll say that I never cared for you and never even thought of you?   Will you see the truth which is written under the unspoken words?  Will you see it as the only one who is able to see it?"
Post a Comment
Read more

To You

To someone who laughs at the same things as I do... To someone who is just like me yet who is much more different from me... To someone who is stronger than I am yet who needs my strength... To someone who has accomplished his spirit yet who needs me and only me to complete himself... To someone whose main trust is in Allah yet who trusts and loves me for Allah's sake... To someone who feels the same way as I do... To someone who loves the same way as I do... To you who feels exactly what I feel... May you take your time and come to me when the right time has come... I'll wait and welcome you as if we have never parted... I don't know you yet but I will in the future, so stay well...
Post a Comment
Read more

"When being with you"

"trust me", he said "why", she asked "because it's me.. don't you see.." "I don't know you" "your heart knows me"  "but I don't remember anything" "I know.." "you know..?" "yes, I know.. you may not be able to recall a memory of me but your heart does.. you just have to learn to trust me" "how do I learn to trust you?" "put your hand on my heart.. don't be afraid.." "It' so warm" "so is your hand" "It is?" "yes, it is" "My hands are usually cold.. How come they got warm by now" "your hands were never cold when being with me" "When being with you.." "What are you thinking..?" "there's this feeling I can't describe.. I've never felt this before but it's kinda familiar.." 
Post a Comment
Read more