A Source Of Happiness..

I'm not the person I want to be.

I want to be a beautiful human, someone whose presence means peace, warmth, and harmony.

Instead, I'm only harming those I'd never want to.

I'm hurting myself and those around me. Life circles up every time.

As soon as I start to get a better person, everything turns to its usual self.

I'm exhausted from all these changes.

I started to appreciate my changing nature and positive sides but I still cannot manage the negative ones.

I'm of no use.

Yet the only thing I wanted is to be of use, to be of help.

But I'm the one who needs help, the one who cannot do anything right.

Being understood without me needing to explain is what I'm longing for.

Every time I try to talk and explain why I am the way I am it only gets harder.

I'm different. I always tried to be normal but I usually failed to be so.

At the end of the day, I'm left there with thoughts and no answers.

I'm weak. I may not show it but I'm much weaker than I seem to be.

I thought that by making others happy I could get happier and maybe even stronger.

I may not be of use but I always thought that I could be a source of happiness..

I thought..

Who did I ever make happy?

Everything's breaking into pieces.

19/12/2019

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A World Inside Of Me

There is a world inside of me I cannot describe nor give shape to. Is it a calm world or a loud one? Is it full of brightness or did darkness cover all of its places? How many places does it even have? There is a world I want to discover but I don't know where I have to start nor do I know where I have to come back to. Is it possible to come back without losing myself? I don't have a map nor do I have the equipment. I'm empty-handed. This world I speak of, no one can see it but me. No one can know about it but me. No one can feel it but me. Sometimes there is rain and other times there is nothing but sunshine but the latter won't last long. Well, it didn't till today. There is a world full of adventures and magic, a world full of emotions and sensations. A world full of me, yet far away from me. It's a world in the deepest corners of myself, no rational human being would ever dare to go there. It's too deep in there...

"When being with you"

"trust me", he said "why", she asked "because it's me.. don't you see.." "I don't know you" "your heart knows me" "but I don't remember anything" "I know.." "you know..?" "yes, I know.. you may not be able to recall a memory of me but your heart does.. you just have to learn to trust me" "how do I learn to trust you?" "put your hand on my heart.. don't be afraid.." "It' so warm" "so is your hand" "It is?" "yes, it is" "My hands are usually cold.. How come they got warm by now" "your hands were never cold when being with me" "When being with you.." "What are you thinking..?" "there's this feeling I can't describe.. I've never felt this before but it's kinda familiar.."

"The Truth Written Under The Unspoken Words"

/31.01.17/ "I don't know you and you don't know me. But I want to know you. Do you also want to know me? Me, not my characteristics or behavior. I'm asking you if you want to know my inner Me, my inner self, my thoughts and carings, my reasons for my feelings, and my feelings without any reasons. Do you want to know my inner self which cannot be influenced by external influences? You're the one I want to share everything with. I want to share everything precious in my life with you. I want to talk to you, to explain myself and also not explain myself. I want you to know everything about me without me needing to say a word. Will you one day just understand what's written in my eyes? Will you know the truth when I'll say that I never cared for you and never even thought of you? Will you see the truth which is written under the unspoken words? Will you see it as the only one who is able to see it?"

Sara's Dreamworld

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