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A Heavy Burden


"Hey, how are you? Are you alright?"

No, I'm not. Actually I'm miserable. I'm neither fine nor am i peaceful.
İt's the first time for me to say that i'm not fine. It does not happen for the first time because I never felt sad and troubled before or something like that. It´s just that I'd never dare saying I'm not fine.
Even when I really felt bad. I could not talk to anybody.

Every time someone asked me how I am, I would say "Alhamdoulillah, I´m fine," with a bright smile on my face. I would smile even when I'm not feeling to do so. I would just smile, because I'm known for smiling and laughing all the time and not complaining about something.

But today I don't feel like pretending to be good. I don't feel like lying to myself. I also want to show my sadness and cry. I often cried, it is not something i never did. But I don't want to cry behind walls and closen doors anymore.

Something is burdening me and I don't know what it is.
It's weird. I often feel like I'm a burden to the people but I also feel like nothing would go well without me. I don't want to leave them, even tough I´m not good for anything.

Lately I often wanted to call one of my friends and talk with them about my burdens. But I never could do it. I always put my phone back without even giving it a try. I just would not know about what I should speak while my heart and soul would feel so heavy. And while I would not be able to breathe properly from overcrying. I just could not find any right word.

So I learned to leave everything to Allah, because he knows everything about me and he is also the only one who could understand what I want to tell, even without me needing to tell anything.
I never wanted to complain, because I know that everything is a test for us. and I also know really well that every hardship we are facing from time to time will fade away.

I don't know. I just have a heavy burden on my shoulders and I don't know what it is.
What burden could I have, please? I have so many things to be thankful for, so many things, which I could not even dare listing them all.

I will wait. I think, that's the best to do.
I will see what time will bring in schaa Allah.
Yes, I will do that.

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